Need i say more? *sigh* Where did I go?? I am no longer me. Why didn't someone warn me..having 2 kids could cause an identity breakdown!? I have gone from living to live life...to living for others. I am a cook, maid, wash-woman, healer, accountant, dishwasher, jungle gym, and teacher all in one. Don't get me wrong....I LOVE my kids...and my husband...and my life....but.....where do I fit in? The only time I have for me is in the shower (and thats IF Sammy doesnt catch me)....hey..wait a minute...shower? I havent had one in 2 days....you tend to lose track of these things..until you scratch your head..and you ask yourself when the last time you washed your hair was..(or conditioned it for that matter)
Am I alone in feeling this way? I am not Kristi...I am mommy...or babe. *insert tiny violins playing* Maybe it's because I finally felt like I was getting a sense of "me" back...and then along came McKayla. Well, it's not like she was unplanned, because she was wanted soooo much!! I just had no idea (or blocked out) how hard it can be. Add in the stress of Brad's job...and me worrying about him. I know he feels the pressure of providing for a family of 4...I can tell. We actually had a LONG talk last night..about everything. *insert Kristi's breakdown* I cried so much last night. The stress just added and added and added until I just wanted to break. (ever wish you were a little girl again?)...sadly I reached that point. Brad was great though...after an initial stress released argument....we just talked and talked until 11:30 last night. He was upset..and stressed...and we both had no outlet. All it took was him "hrmmphhh"'ing *looking up at the ceiling* after sammy was bothering him, and Kayla was crying..(I was in the kitchen washing dishes and cleaning it up as fast as I could after cooking pork chops, fettucine, mashed potatoes and corn for him)...I lost it. Where is MY release? *can we say...self pity?* **shakes her head** After he stroked my head and reminded me that he would ALWAYS take care of us..*with tears in his eyes and the most sincere voice I had ever heard* no matter what....we were BOTH soooo exhausted! But honestly....we needed it so bad....! We found the connection that had somehow got a little loose in all the hustle and bustle of life. It felt so good. *not that I recommend bottling up all your emotions the way we had* But seriously folks.....if you've seen me....let me know I'm looking for me! Thanks.
I am sending you huge hugs! I know what you are going through - I just had that! I totally felt like I was just a MOM. You will find yourself again, I promise! xoxo
ReplyDeleteKristi- we go through this alot at our house. There's times when all hell is breaking loose in the front room with Dominic jumping off the walls, Alex bawling because she didn't get to do something, and Damien screaming for no reason. Dave and I will look at each other with these "what the fuck have we done!" eyes. We try to stick to a tight schedule where all 3 kids are in bed by 8:30. I don't give a shit if they lay there for a hour before going to sleep just stay in bed.
ReplyDeleteI've felt like I was living my life for others as soon as Alex was born, I had no life. I don't do my makeup all the time like I used to, dress up like I used to. I go to bed at 10:30 and wake at 6:30 JUST so I can take a shower and get some things done before the kids wake up. Sad to say, but there is no ME time anymore unless I can find someone to take the kids for a few hours but even doing that I'm harassed as to when I'll be back because 3 kids is ALOT for someone to watch, especially when they are 5 and under.
We all have moments like this but just think when they get older we'll miss them being so needy!
Kristi,
ReplyDeleteI think EVERY single mother can identify with what you are feeling. Don't worry you are definitely NOT alone!! :) Hang in there!
Omg.. Kristi! Why didn't you tell me on the phone that this was the way it is? I thought I was the only one! I am so thankful today for reading your post and knowing I am not alone in feeling this way! Seriously.. I have the same questions each day..who am I now? Why don't I even have a chance to throw on some lipstick or run a brush through my hair! LOL.. Hang in there.. if our mothers and grandmothers and so on could do it without all the technology that we have today.. we will survive!
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