Being a mom.....
I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.
I can remember being 5, and someone asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up
.....most kids said "fireman"
...."teacher"
...or "astronaut".....
me?
.......I wanted to be a mom.
MOM
Mommy
Mother
Mama
there are So many ways to say it.
And so MANY things I would have never known..if it weren't for being one.
I've discovered how much love you can have for another human being.
How wonderful it is to see that person happy.
How nothing in this world is too great to give.... to help or maybe even just to see that smile.
How just a smell.......can bring such a flood of memories and a sense of peace.
How an illness is magnified a billion times over when it relates to YOUR child.
How my heart can swell SO big when I see my son hug his sister out of the blue.
How I would give the food off my plate to make sure my child eats before I do.
How ONE word...can completely CHANGE YOUR LIFE!
kinda like marriage.
For better
and
for worse.
we covered the better...have I mentioned the OTHER side to being a mom?
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I also have these fears. as irrational as they may be. i cant control them.
If you are reading this....I warn you...this gets kinda....personal. These are my heartfelt fears. They consume me if I stop for even a moment. So I am trying to get it out so i can read how silly I sound.....over and over and over....until I can see it for myself.
I fear that I wont be around to see them grow up. (graduate...get married..)
I fear that something is going to happen to them. (get sick)
I fear that the end of the world is coming. (it is a genuine fear...stupid as it seems)
Im scared of earthquakes (by the way.. we had one here sun night....3.1 magnitude...I felt it)
I'm scared of war. (please let it end soon)
Im scared of terrorism. (being on an island and the talk of missles)
I'm scared something will happen to my husband.
I'm scared of a mass disease ...like the bird flu...coming and killings 100,000's of people. (we have no cure as of yet)
I worry that a tsunami will come...and we wont have enough supplies...
I'm wonder if I am a good enough mother, wife, daughter..and friend.
I have my faith...but I wonder.
These all sound STUPID...and IRRATIONAL...because these are things I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.....
so why does it consume me? Why do I KNOW how silly it sounds....how people will roll their eyes...and DO...but...
I
STILL
THINK
ABOUT
IT
CONSTANTLY.
I hate it.
That's why I forced myself to make the list above..which wasnt hard at all.
I'm debating weather to see a doctor. ( I just DONT want to take meds unless NECESSARY..and they are so quick to prescribe them)
Everyone else worries about "regular" things like..... my child isnt walking yet...or...... their weight.....or bills.
Me?
*sigh*
I'm just so frustrated. *I want to yell*
I feel SO VERY alone. * I want to cry.....no one understands*
Guess I'll keep talkin' to God.
Never thought about this stuff till I became a......
MOM.
Kristi-
ReplyDeleteyou just brought tears to my eyes....i just want you to know that i carry the same fears. i feel so happy that noemi is in my life and that things are working out with richard that i feel like one day it will be taken away from....i hate getting on planes with them because i fear something will happen to them and i am constantly worried about the environment, terrorism, etc.. i notice i get extremely anxious when i read the news so i decided not to anymore...i know silly...i really do know what else to say but that i understand!!
i have started going to counseling though to deal with some of the anxiety even though i feel sometimes that i am being silly.
maddie
thank you maddie for taking the time to post a comment on here! I appreciate knowing I am not alone MORE than I could express! THANKS!!
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT ALONE!
ReplyDeleteI could have written this too! Shawn wonders why I don't watch the news every day and it's because I don't want to know about all the shit that's happening around the world. I don't want to think of the "what ifs"
Before I had a mom I never really dwelled on the bad stuff before but now I do. It's so hard to be a mom! I just love to look at Adam and see the pure happiness in his heart. He doesn't know evil yet. I am going to try and shield him from that as long as I can. Not sure how but I'll try my best! and you know what, it's all we can do!
Love ya girl!!!
Kristi- It sounds like we need to have a long talk. You most definitely are not alone. Big Z will be at school tomorrow, so I will call when the Little Z is napping. Are you going to be home??
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone and your fears are not silly. Anything that someone is scared about is never silly. I am glad you posted them.
Kristi-
ReplyDeleteI hope you're starting to hear and believe that you are not alone. I often wonder if I'm going crazy because I worry about things. I worry a lot about things happening to Jana. I think Laura went through this too. Anyway, please know that it seems to be very common when your focus of concern is on someone (or someones) else.
I would definitely recommend talking to someone. It seems that your anxiety is getting to be too much and that's just not fun. Please take care of yourself.
Love and hugs,
Lindsay
Hey girlie..
ReplyDeleteI know first hand that your anxiety can overwhelm you.. remember my trip to Hawaii... You aren't alone..never.. you have God.. and you have a big loving family..and your devoted friends..like me. But more so..you have something special about you...you take on all the troubles of the world into your tiny little self.. You can't save the world..(because I know you really want to)... but you can save yourself and display a positive self image to your children so they may mirror that in their own life. We all have fears.. but you take on everything in the world and make it all personal. Just realize that you are special.. there is no one like you..and we love you.. I admire your sense of responsibility to everyone...to anything...to the entire world..but Kristi needs love in order to give it. Give yourself some love, some peace and the rest will all fall into place. Find something that you can channel all your anxiety into..like Yoga.. or meditation..or quiet walks on the beach..just you. You have a great heart...don't let anxiety and fear hold you back from your life.
I think every parent has these fears, I didn't see one on the list that I don't think of on a day to day basis! lol I remember when 911 happened, I thought the world was coming to an end and questioned why we brought Alex into the world. The world is just a screwed up place. Last night we watched something about Utah having a major volcano that would could cover the whole USA in 8-12 feet of ash. Sufficating us all. Nice!!! The worries and anxiety will never end because we have precious little ones and they mean the world to us. I think you're just being human! :)
ReplyDelete