Friday Funnies Enjoy!~
The DressJennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement
-- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress
to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new wife had
bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,"
she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get
another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went
shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.When they stopped for lunch,
Jennifer asked her mother, "Are you going to return the other dress? You really
don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the
rehearsal dinner!"
NOW I ASK YOU...IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS
STORY?
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Subject: What my mother taught me1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." (amen to THAT!)
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
" Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM ..
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . (one of my fav's! :)
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!" *snickers*
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home." (heard THIS one all the time!)
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when you get home!" (goes quite nicley with #17)
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck thatway."
19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand ." (ohhhh, and do I!)
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you" (gee, thanks mom! :)
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THIRTY LINES
TO MAKE YOU SMILE1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew
up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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AND LAST....But CERTAINLY not least.....
How to tell you are NOT Mom's favorite!...
TTFN! and TGIF! :):)
