Wanted to get Thursday started off right since I have SO much to do for the party this weekend and needed a few giggles....hope you enjoy them as much as I did! :)
1). Your houseplants are all alive,and you can't smoke any of them. (who me?)
2.) Having sex in a twin bed is OUT of the question.
3.) You keep more food than beer in the fridge. :)
4.) 6:00 a.m is when you get up, not go to bed.
5.) You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6.) You watch the weather channel
7.) Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up"
8.)You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.) Jeans and sweater no longer qualify as "dressing up"
10.) You're the one calling the police cause those %&^$ kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11.) You dont know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
12.) Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
13.) Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14.) You feed you dog Science Diet instead of leftover McDonalds.
15.) Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt
16.) You take naps
17.) Dinner and a movie is the whole date, instead of the beginning of one.
18.) Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m would severly upset, rather than settle your stomach.
19.) You go to the drug store for Ibuprofen and Antacids rather than condoms and pregnancy tests.
20.) A $4.00 bottle of wine is longer some "pretty good shit"
21.) You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22.) " I just cant drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to dink that much again"
23.) 90% of the time you spend in front of the computer is for real work.
24.) You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25.) When you find out your friend is pregnant and you congratulate her instead of saying "oh shit, what happened?"
And a bonus: You read the entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and can't find one to save your sorry ol' ass. (:P)
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WHY PARENTS DRINK!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
" Yes ."
"May I talk with her?"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child,..... " a policeman "..
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
" ME ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child,..... " a policeman "..
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through
the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
" ME ."
***** I can SO see Drama Mama pulling one of these in the future. Lord help me!****
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PARKING
A man is driving down the street looking for a parking spot. He looks up and says,
"Lord, if you give me a spot , I'll swear off booze for life."
Just then a space appears.
The man looks up again and says
"Never mind! found one!"
*****************************
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NO SEX TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head
And women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion
starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
And women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion
starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every man on the planet dreads to hear..
.
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man."
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your
physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?!
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited
anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?!
I then said "honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with
my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL (:D)
A THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
GROCERY LIST
Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.
She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.
John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.
Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.'
John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.
Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.
The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a grocery list?'
Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'O.K' he said, 'put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.'
Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.
The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'
The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.
The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.
It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:
'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'
The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence.
Louise thanked him and left the store.
The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said;
'It was worth every penny of it . Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.'
Love to all!~
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